I Scream over Ice-Cream

Ok, I fucking cannot stand scooping ice-cream.

Why is that?

Well, in a day and age where technology is so advanced as to provide human beings with a phone that can basically do everything--aside from wiping one's ass--technology has failed to invent an instrument that makes extracting iced cold, ice-cream easy.

I mean I hate when some cheeky little bastard wants his ice-cream sundae for dessert.

I fucking SCREAM over ice-cream. 

I walk into the kitchen, open the small, tedious fucking freezer and HOPE that it's broken--by some miracle of God--so as to allow the ice-cream to be lukewarm, and therefore scoop easier than sour-cream.

Of course this is never the case, and so I prepare myself for battle.

I grab the infinitesimal scooper, and drive it--harder than a Mike Tyson jab--into the block of ice-cream.

...Nothing...

Now, I start to lose my temper--especially once I notice the cuffs of my shirt are stained chocolate, or coffee, or whatever the fuck.

I go at it again; nothing.

I try to leverage my whole body against the fucker. I mean, now, I am completely bent over with more than three quarters of my body inside the fucking freezer.

Again, nothing!

Fuck it, it's time to give that son-of-a-bitch the people's elbow.

I'm punching it, kicking it, elbowing it when finally the smallest fucking scoop avails itself.

Nice, now all I have to do to render a full-size serving is repeat this process a hundred times over.

Luckily, the physical exertion expended to scoop has caused a rainstorm of sweat to glide off my forehead.

The salt seems to melt the ice-cream, and--BOOM--it finally gives way.

I bring the ice-cream to the table, and the little bastard complains that he didn't order strawberry sauce.

Oh, don't worry that isn't strawberry sauce, but, rather, the blood that spewed forth after I broke my fucking hand on the ice-cream.

I mean, let's go! It's time Brookstone or Sharper Image invents some crazy geothermic fucking scoop that glides through ice-cream the way that Michael Phelps glides through water.