Thank You

Before I get a bad reputation for constantly spitting venomous, invectives targeted at A-hole customers, I would like to, first, express my love for the job that I have. For the most part, I truly appreciate working in the service industry and have always taken pride in what I do.

It is, actually, BECAUSE of my passion, and devotion to my job, that I address certain issues as adamantly, and fervently, as I do.

With that being said, I will never apologize for the asshole customer. They are cancerous, morale-breaking DBAGS that need to be made aware of their violations. It is them that give the service industry a bad name. Ironically, however, it is also the service industry in which allows their behavior, if only to preserve, as well as perpetuate, the cyclical nature of the business.

It is my duty, as well as my mission, to give excellent service to every customer I wait on, on any given shift, on any given day. I have a tremendous amount of pride in what I do. However, I also have a tremendous amount of self-respect. It is not in my constitution to allow some asshole to treat me like dog shit. We, as a society, are told to always exercise self-assertion in any adverse situation we may encounter. However, the "customer is always right" mentality seeks to eliminate this self-assertion process, thereby rendering a server weak and indefensible to an array of degrading, disrespectful, and, at times, hostile behavior.

I can't stand for that and I never have. So, it is no surprise that a lot of my posts will be aimed at said DBAGS.

However, a lot of my posts will be stories that recognize the gracious efforts of awesome customers. These people make the job totally worth it. These people are WHY I do what I do. They are good-natured, good-humored people that are a pleasure to have. I am thankful to these people and the relationships I've engendered over the years.

So, to the customer that makes the job worth doing: Thank you! Keep Coming. I am honored to have you.

"Hey, I'm the Customer!"

Just the other day, I had the incredible privilege of witnessing a customer, with his elitist "We're-always-right" attitude, be stricken from the restaurant by the owner himself.

In walks a party of 2: a married couple. As they approach the maitre'd, they request a table by the window. The maitre'd responds by saying: "Well, we don't have any window tables available at the moment right now, but we can get you as close as possible." Upon hearing this, the customer retorts with a blatant lie by saying: "We were told we could reserve a window earlier today when we called to make a reservation."

Now, knowing that the restaurant NEVER reserves window seats because that, of course, would gridlock hundreds of people every night, the maitre'd calmly responds by saying: "I'm sorry, sir, but we do not reserve tables by the window. If you would like, you could have a drink at the bar and when a table by the window is available we will get you seated."

This seems to dismay the customer so much so that he adamantly counters with: "We were told we could have a window. GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER." Now, this customer clearly thinks he is in a restaurant in which he is blanketed by this false, bullshit mantra, that the "customer is always right."

Boy, is he about to get a wake-up call.

Before the maitre'd can even spit out her response, the owner jets out of his chair and confronts the 'customer'.

"Why, don't you get your act together?!"

Now, I'm sure many of you reading this (especially FoodGod) will think that this is an extremely immature approach on behalf of the owner. Well, the owner is only demonstrating that self-assertion in the restaurant is not entirely lost.

The customer now, very much engaged, says: "Hey! Don't BE RUDE!" This seems to express just how myopic this DBAG's perspective really is. Apparently, he didn't find his original comment about getting our acts together to be rude. The owner wants to remind him of this.

"I'm not being rude. You said we needed to get 'our acts together.' That's rude, is it not?"

Clearly having no other valid defense, the customer feels as though he can rely on that unforgotten mantra; that impenetrable suit of armor every asshole customer hides behind. In an attempt to exercise his "rights" as a customer that is never "wrong", he reasserts to the owner: "HEY! I'm the customer!"

to which the owner responds by saying:

"No you're not, you're leaving!"

The look on the face of this jerk was the best thing I have seen in ages. Feeling the embarrassing sting, the DBAG customer attempts one last time to assert his machismo and, thus, dominance. Heading out the front door he turns around, raises his hands high in the air, and challenges the owner to "step outside."

To that complete asshole, I recommend this:

Take your rude, the "customer-is-always-right" elitist attitude to a restaurant where you can get away with such behavior. If it is in your code to treat people like shit, I am sure you will flourish in the spineless, corporate restaurants that expend their own employees on your behalf. I suggest you go ruin the lives of helpless servers in any, and all, of the following restaurants:

Joe's American Bar and Grill
T.G.I.Friday's
Uno
Chili's
Cheesecake Factory

Thanks

Please Inform Your Customer That He Is A Complete Moron...

In a day and age where allergies to food ingredients are pandemic as well as, in some cases, life-threatening, it is extremely important restaurants have a fail-safe system in place to successfully handle such allergies.

Recently, Massachusetts legislation has required that all restaurants conspicuously post allergy awareness information for all employees to see. Similarly, it has been recommended to Guests ( which has increasingly become euphemious for "asshole customers") that they inform their server of any and all allergies before ordering their meal.

Most prevalent are the nut, shellfish, gluten, and dairy allergies. Both nut and shellfish allergies can result in death. Clearly, this is serious business that, at times, can be extremely daunting. I understand the severity of food allergies and how important it is to address them in a safe, secure way. I also think they're a complete pain in the ass. 

Why? 

Because nothing screams waiter-kryptonite more than an asshole customer that brings your entire cadence to a grinding halt, by sending you on a manic goose-hunt to retrieve all the ingredients in the Lobster Savannah. Now, I could easily say to these bastards: 'Why don't you pricks just stay home?', but that view would be too myopic. It's not their fault they've been stricken by certain food aversions (a curse I count my lucky stars not to share). I mean, they deserve to enjoy the same luxuries of the restaurant milieu just as much as the next guy. 

However, human stupidity NEVER fails to amaze me. Just as it is required for customers to inform their servers of a food allergy, it should also be required that, in so doing, a certain de rigueur should be followed. Take the stupidity of this asshole, for instance:

I work in a fine dining, seafood restaurant. A married couple is seated at a table. Approaching the table, I have a thinly veiled guise of politeness as my disposition (sadly, the service industry is prostitution in its purest form: Selling yourself before, royally, getting fucked. However, that's another blog for another time). Before I can even begin my opening, waiterly gambit, the DBAG, with an austere look on his ugly face, admonishes me of a "fatal, seafood allergy." As he so glibly informs me, he simultaneously slams his fat fist on the table and I notice an EPI pen within his clutches. 

A brief pause. Silence ensues as I, dubiously, look this maniac square in the eyes. My first instinct is to laugh hysterically. I mean, are you fucking serious? Yes, dead serious! My next instinct is to punch him square in the jaw. I've never been so misanthropic in my life. My parents should be ashamed of what I've become. 

He proceeds to order a filet mignon under the harshest instructions for preparation. "It can't be near ANY seafood. It has to be cooked in a separate oven. It has to be this, it has to be that!" How about this? How about you take your fat, miserable ass to a fucking STEAKHOUSE?!??! How does that sound? I mean the audacity on this guy is completely unparalleled to any other I've ever engaged before. At this point I am praying for anaphylaxis only to have a judge dismiss the plaintiff's attempted murder charge on the grounds of human stupidity. I mean, that's like smoking cigarettes your whole life and then suing the tobacco companies after being diagnosed with cancer. Go walk around the 93 Expressway and then sue the poor bastard that runs you over.

With that being said, it should be required that servers inform their customers when they're complete morons.

So, for today's lucrative tip: If you have a seafood allergy, or any allergy for that matter, stay the fuck away from a menu (or menu item) in which deals, predominantly, with that allergy. Your tip is not worth the emotional stress that comes with having to precariously deal with life or death situations. Seriously, if I wanted to save lives I would have become a fucking medic. Thanks!

What? You think your shit don't stink?

Working in the restaurant industry never has a shortage of crazy, bizarre moments. Whether it's an irate, intoxicated customer screaming in a drunken slur, or the Prince of Saudi Arabia showing up with his entourage and eating about 37 pounds of fried food, ironically in Boston for ailing health, there is always something happening to keep the staff entertained. However, every now and then instances may occur which are down right disgusting. So, in an unprecedented reversal of roles, let me give you, the customer- more importantly- the parent, a nice, lucrative tip: Don't let your kids shit all over the front foyer of a fine dining, seafood restaurant.

I understand that 'when you gotta go, you gotta go' but, please, see to it that the poor child makes the bathroom. If he or she doesn't: Hey, shit happens! I get it, but please do not disgrace the entire restaurant staff, as well as fellow customers, by completely dismissing it as a jocular matter, and leaving it a'smear in the middle of the front lobby for the poor dishwashers to clean up. I mean, come on now, don't you think that's pretty shitty?